Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
