OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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