Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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