I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
