You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize