as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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