ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
