I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
