you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
