So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
