cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
