Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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