There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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