I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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