Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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