the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
