There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
