Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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