allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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