i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
