Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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