my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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