The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
