I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just want nice things and good sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
