If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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