careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
