I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
