my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
