***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He keeps bees of course he's weird
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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