I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize