everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
