I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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