I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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