dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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