lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize