I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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