you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
