Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
