i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
