John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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