Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We need to rekindle our bromance
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
