you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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