She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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