Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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