Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
