Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
