I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
