Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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