i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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