just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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