Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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