but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize