I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
