I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize