either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i've created a new STD.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
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