well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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