Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
