I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
